It Takes Two?

I grew up in a confusing situation. You see, my parents divorced when I was five, and both sets of my grandparents were divorced, as well. Yet my mother raised me in a very conservative church that condemned divorce. I was constantly told in Sunday School and from the pulpit that "it takes two people to break up a marriage. No one person is completely at fault." Even as a child I had to wonder, though, if this was true.

Was my mother to blame for the failure of her marriage? Could she have done something differently to keep our family together?

Now, before you jump up and say, "yes! Obviously your father wasn't completely at fault! There are two sides to every story, and it's just so sad you won't listen to your father's side!" I will share a very important piece of information with you. My father, nine years and two children into the marriage, came out of the closet. Would you like to rethink your position now? Was there anything my mother could have done to save her marriage? Could she have said or done anything differently that would have kept my father from being gay?

I have a very good friend who's parents divorced after ten years of marriage because her father began molesting her. Was the divorce the fault of both parents in this case? I would say not. There are many issues that marriage counseling can help couples work through. I'm afraid that molesting children is a deal-breaker for me.

 I'm much more inclined to believe that it takes both partners to keep a relationship together.  If one person gives, constantly compromising and willing to go the extra mile, while the other person coasts through, willing to take what the other gives but never reciprocating, how can that relationship last? 

Jane was one such giver.  Always trying to please her husband, and never really able to meet his standards, Jane's husband criticized her and humiliated her to the point that she believed him when he said she was worthless.  She cleaned the house to his specifications, brought him his meals in bed, dressed according to his standards, the whole nine yards.  Meanwhile, his contribution to their family was working.  He never changed a diaper, never put the kids to bed or helped with homework.  After work and on weekends he watched TV while Jane took care of the house and the kids.  After twelve years, Jane became an empty shell of the person her husband fell in love with, and he was disgusted by her.  He began having an affair with Jane's best friend.

As hard as one person works in a relationship, they cannot do it alone.  Both must be willing to work, to compromise, to meet the other's needs in order to keep a relationship from falling apart.